romance myth-conceptions

Self-help has me in a spin. In any situation I find myself- I can simply consult a fix-it manual and work through the various steps- with a guarantee?! that my problem will be rectified. Unfortunately when any kind of self-help material is chucked at my person my stomach turns and I start to giggle ferociously. I am bucking the system like a true rebel: flat out refusing to mechanise my responses and to tame my inner beast. But was I a beast to begin with?! And am I really the rebel I claim to be?!

Admittedly strange thoughts where I morph into a shrew a la the Shakespearian play have been bounding into my mental zone of late. And I can’t help but think I am becoming a bit too suggestible in my old age- I have never encountered this kind of displaced sense of identity before (or maybe not thought about it- too much on the telly). I don’t want to be enmeshed in a litany of weird textual references gathered from the ethereal eggnog (virtuality). I want a sense of self and I don’t want it set against a makeshift backdrop of how to/s, why not/s, will do/s.

So: how do I properly extricate myself without the pervasive sense that I am simply another cog in the modern day paradigm of expected responses? It can’t simply be a matter of writing like a wanker in an attempt to elevate myself above the common hordes. For I am a commoner- a carrot topped warrior slipping through various systems and processes- a product of my ancestry, my family and my life experience (including the hours spent watching trashy teen flicks where the woman is a dunce and the male lead rescues her from spinsterhood)… I must consult Oprah- surely she knows!

And that was me being funny- because Oprah is apparently the modern day messiah of reconstructing yourself from the various bit parts and gurus who appear on her special program for lost souls. Only this morning my colleague gave me an article written by the good woman on how to behave in romantic situations. It seems with more women and fewer men we have to fool them into falling for us. But will holding my fork less like a toothbrush really help?! I would have thought the act of eating might remind the gents we are human beings (surely a no-no) with an appetite! As guru Sian (a newly adopted guise)- I say eating should be more like cleaning teeth- an instant suggestion of good oral hygiene and a tempting avenue to pash rash.

Having established that Oprah can’t guru my way through this little challenge and furthermore that she is the antithetical force wavering my emerging convictions I must make a rapid segue way. I must become a little more me-centric perhaps- and in the process guru Sian has been slashed and burned because I have to admit I am totally confused and clueless when it comes to "romance". The idea of romantic love has been transmuted a great deal over time- from the old slow burn courtly love to the hyper wham bam unreality of speed dating. Much like the development of the English language and its current deterioration (in my opinion) romance has become an entirely empty set of abbreviated encounters.

So where do I situate myself in this mess? Looking at my behaviour in any “romantic” encounter, I am far from the cookie cutter ideal. In fact, my previously mentioned thoughts of shrew-dom seem to be bolstered by the modern models. Yet peculiarly enough- I don’t have any problems gathering together a line of suitors. Perhaps these men are my male counterparts- but I really think as long as you have tits and an arse and can hold together a few sentences you can pretty much abandon ‘the rules’ altogether.

So why have people become such self-help junkies when it comes to romance?! Can’t they just sit back and be happy with themselves?! I think if we spend too much time focussing on our flaws, the flaws themselves start to emerge in relief against the face and any kind of “changes” become superficial and more importantly unreal to say the least. The whole thing is utterly oxymoronic- it takes the self out of help and replaces it with a whole bunch of rubbish imposed by a bored other.

I will finish this rambling cacophony with a quote by Vonnegat:
Another flaw in the human character is that everybody wants to build and nobody wants to do maintenance.
(Paraphrased) Be kinder to yourselves- don’t listen to Oprah and honey you don’t need fake tits juss a better brassiere.